so i've finally decided that i'm done here. moving! where to; undecided.
 licia! entries done Monday, 19 August 2013 Letting go
I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what you want because I am not and I will not be the same girl you knew, always looking to see if you'd approve, always hoping that eventually you'll look at me and see me. I know that's not going to happen, so this is me not setting myself up for disappointment. I won't be there because neither will you be. I'm so tired of people thinking that I don't ever need anybody in my life, so tired of people thinking that I'll never be tired, so tired of always being expected to be there. I'm really sick and tired of it. I'm just done being overlooked like this, is it so much to ask for that more than be overlooked, I would rather not be seen or heard from at all? Why is it selfish of me to want to put my needs and happiness ahead of yours? At the end of the day, what I've come to learn and believe in is that I can never be dependant on others for my happiness. So I've learnt to exist for myself. If that's what's going to make me forever alone, then maybe so be it, because I too don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I have to keep treading on eggshells.
But I guess you will always be the one. I don't think you will understand it, because I don't either. I'm so resigned to the fact that it will never ever happen between us, but you just never go away. You're like this thing I can't rid myself of. Maybe it's true what people say, that once you love someone you never stop loving them, you just learn to live with it even after it's over. You're not making things easy for me either, always saying that you want things back the way they were. Don't you know that no matter how happy I was then, deep down I was miserable? Do you even care about that? If you knew, would you want me to go back to that too? Because I don't want to. I've had it with how dependant I was for you to say yes, or maybe that you've even thought about a possibility like that, I hate how much you affected me. I never want to be this affected again by someone who doesn't love me. I saw a whole future with you, and I think this is why it hurt so bad because this is a future I've never seen with anyone else. I think you see it too, but the girl beside you isn't me- and it hurts. But I know saying all this to you just weighs on you, at least I hope it does otherwise that'll just mean that I'm effectively dead to you. And since all this shit is in my head, my shit is best kept to myself, you can take your baggage free girl, and that's what you've chosen, so don't keep harping on the fact that we're not friends or we don't hang out anymore. Because this is what you've chosen for yourself.
02:15 |