so i've finally decided that i'm done here. moving! where to; undecided.

I never wanted to lock this blog, but blogger's inefficient redirecting system has forced my hand. I've always thought that if someone was really interested, I'd give him/her the chance to bypass my 'security' and read my blog. But no. I have too much in here to risk anyone just reading it casually on their mobile. Too simple.

If there's one thing that I've learnt and come to realise over these past few months, is that I really have fallen hard for fungs. I don't know how I can make him see it, because up till now, the feeling that he gives me is that he doesn't take my feelings seriously at all. Maybe it's because he's had too many girls confessing to him over the years, and then have them moving on so easily. I tend to think that what those girls has we're just momentary infatuations, and that's what he thinks my feelings are too. I wish it were. I wish it were so that it would be easier to get over it. But it's happening far too slowly for my liking so far.

I thought I was at least to some degree getting over him already. But seeing him show any kind of affection to Cheng just seems to set it off again. I should constantly remind myself that that's what he wants, that someone to 'keep him grounded' in his words. But I can't seem to shake off the feeling that I could be so much better for him. Maybe this is just selfish thinking on my part. But it doesn't change the fact that I think Cheng is a princess. Omg.

Fungs, I just wish you could know how serious I am. I should give up, I know I shouldn't harbour any more hope; you've made that quite clear. But feelings don't seem to work the way you want just because you will it to. All that love talk, I finally kind of understand it, how it's not really up to you. I've fallen into all the cliches. I really thought I was on my way to making it out of this hole but typing all this out now, I realise that giving in to it is so much more real than pretending that I am getting over it. This was not what I wanted when I started this.

Fungs, I have to get over you. Loud sigh.

So, I don't want to stay in the London clique any more. As much as I appreciate, I wouldn't say love, having another group of friends to hang out with and show off my karaoke skills to, I just can't bear the thought of facing King or seeing fungs and Cheng. But I've said enough for the two of them. King, the slut. So fake, so attention seeking, hates me so clearly for being chummy with guys, but victimises herself. So I'm the bully here, because I am in that position that you want where I can talk to the guys freely? Fuck you. Spreading retarded stories about me, about how I'm an extrovert, giving people the impression that I somehow wield some sort of power over her, the sensitive introvert, like everything's so easy for me. Fuck you, everything is not. I've had a tough childhood, in certain aspects, but I'm strong enough to get through it. Doesn't mean it was easy. And I still believe that I am very much an introvert, no matter what people see me as. If only they could see how much I kept to myself, maybe then they'll realise how much of an introvert I am.

I wish it would be easier to get through this with the help of the friends that I've grown to trust in. But Serena is too far removed, Mat is too far away, and Jiaying is too busy dating. As much as I'm happy for her, I just feel taken for granted because it feels like she's just not there for me, because she now has someone else, romantically. I would never do that to my friends, I'd like to think. As much as she says she doesn't want to lose this friendship, the effort that she's putting in just doesn't say that.

Okay I've run out of sad and depressing things to write about. I'm still feeling sad and depressed. Not in a clinical sense, but you know what I mean.
19:39