so i've finally decided that i'm done here. moving! where to; undecided.

I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what you want because I am not and I will not be the same girl you knew, always looking to see if you'd approve, always hoping that eventually you'll look at me and see me. I know that's not going to happen, so this is me not setting myself up for disappointment. I won't be there because neither will you be. I'm so tired of people thinking that I don't ever need anybody in my life, so tired of people thinking that I'll never be tired, so tired of always being expected to be there. I'm really sick and tired of it. I'm just done being overlooked like this, is it so much to ask for that more than be overlooked, I would rather not be seen or heard from at all? Why is it selfish of me to want to put my needs and happiness ahead of yours? At the end of the day, what I've come to learn and believe in is that I can never be dependant on others for my happiness. So I've learnt to exist for myself. If that's what's going to make me forever alone, then maybe so be it, because I too don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I have to keep treading on eggshells.

02:15


I've come to realise that I really hate it when people say that I've made them cry, especially if I haven't done so intentionally. Don't blame me for being hard on you when all I've done is maybe give you a 'look', or snapped at you when I was having one of the worst days of my life. I'm not perfect, I know that much, and. I can't always act how you want or expect me to, or that I should pay attention to your feelings 100% to make sure that I'm not stepping on any toes.

So I find out from Jiaying today that apparently the reason why Fung Shing never even considered my letter was because he was already sure that he was going somewhere with Rach. And also because I made her cry on that day, because I snapped at her. Wow. Really? It doesn't take much for me to be painted as the bad guy in this story does it. Because you are weak and because no one has ever treated you like that or apparently snapped at you before because you are fragile and cannot take any knocks at all, I have now become the horrible person in this. Who cares that I was going through an emotional turmoil of my own that day? I had just written that letter the night before, and then was being forced to go out with Mat Jiaying and Fung Shing the same night, and then also had to deal with the fact that the letter was sitting in my bag the whole day, and the problem of how to hand it to him.

Seriously who cares about all that right, when I was the one who snapped at Rach and made her cry? People think that I'm this strong, unbreakable, unmovable figure who will never cry, whose feelings are all on a superficial level, who always wears all my emotion on my sleeve. No, I don't do that. I've just learned to bury it deeper than most people. Maybe that's why I'm being seen as emotionless? Or that all the emotions I have, I show, and I never feel anything more than that. But truth is, no one knows how pained I am, because pain is the one thing I've learned to bury, that I've learned that doesn't get halved when you share them, but doubled.

I'm starting to really hate being seen as a person who is that unbreakable. Not that I don't like who I am as a person now, but having this unbreakable persona really allows people to treat me much shittier than normal people. Like just because I can take shit, you are allowed to give me shit. "Oh because you're strong and you can take it, I don't have to worry that you'll break when I don't care  about you. Unlike her, who's like a fragile little girl, and has to be doted on and trained to become stronger." Your argument is invalid. It only makes sense to you if you have a god complex, and you feel superior and are in a position to have a say over someone else's life. I believe that no one can presume to have that power over someone else, maybe except your parents, and if you really want to have that power, get a pet. Or sims 3. Seriously, she is not a cat where you have to train her to go to the feeding bowl when she's hungry, or keep from clawing the sofa when she's bored. If that's all you want out of a relationship, I only have bad things to say to you, and if that's the case, we really shouldn't be friends at all. Why should I have to be the one to point out everything I think you're doing wrong in this, because I think you're so much better than the male chauvinist that you're being now, and why should you sit there and listen to me talk shit about your relationship which I've only heard second hand stories about? Neither of us need to put ourselves through that.

I'm starting to think that I'm going to be forever alone. People always disappoint me in the end. I guess that's why I've chosen to be a hermit, because the only person who can disappoint me then is myself, and I suppose it's easier to live with that.

Just as a friendly PSA, I also have feelings, I get hurt, I cry, I have expectations of people that I know are sometimes quite unrealistic, but isn't it good to always have something to aspire to. I cry too, I'm also a girl. My height might intimidate you, my face might make you not want to talk to me, but those who know me should know better than that. I do have higher expectations of my friends than I do strangers.
01:40


Actually, did I really fuck up our relationship, or was it you?

I'm starting to believe that you were the one who fucked it up.

Then again, I'm probably the only one out of the two of us who can't let go up till now. You have moved along so much. But to be honest, I still think I'm ahead of you. Both of you.
03:45


I don't know what I had hoped to achieve by going back to view your profile again. To see that maybe I was right, that you would have seen clearer what you wanted, and that what you wanted was not her?

All I got out of it was heart stabs all over again. Am I being intentionally thick, to go digging into my wounds? I mean, staying away from you was the whole point. Out of sight, out of mind. Some people need to TAKE A HINT. If you see me, don't say hi, walk in the opposite direction. If you happen to run into me, don't stop, whip out your phone, pretend to text, and walk on by. That's the path you've chosen, stick to it, and don't turn around saying you wish things could go back the way they were.

"You can't just chop up a relationship into discrete parts and pick the ones you want like a buffet." I've come to realise that I'm very much an all-or-nothing girl.

I'm not there yet, but one day I will be. I'll be able to look at the pictures of both of you, and the heart wouldn't twist nor palpitate anymore.

Like I told Henry, I still think it's your loss. And he summed it up very nicely for me. I'm not that kind of girl that you want, nor am I interested in being that kind of girl that you want. I may have started out thinking that way, but now, looking at her, I see just how wrong I was.

I suppose everyone thinks that I'm already over it, and that I'm holding this stupid grudge for far too long, and that one day, maybe in the not-so-distant future, we can go back to being the way we were a year ago. But I don't see it. Like I said, I'm an all-or-nothing girl. With regards to you, I think I'll stick with nothing, thankyouverymuch.
03:24


I keep telling myself that I'm supposed to be happy for you, but I still go weak and numb when I see you/your photos with her.

New year's resolution to achieve by the end of this year: to not go weak and numb. And perhaps find someone new to love, who preferably loves me back this time.
01:55


Poison. You are poison.
23:23


I never wanted to lock this blog, but blogger's inefficient redirecting system has forced my hand. I've always thought that if someone was really interested, I'd give him/her the chance to bypass my 'security' and read my blog. But no. I have too much in here to risk anyone just reading it casually on their mobile. Too simple.

If there's one thing that I've learnt and come to realise over these past few months, is that I really have fallen hard for fungs. I don't know how I can make him see it, because up till now, the feeling that he gives me is that he doesn't take my feelings seriously at all. Maybe it's because he's had too many girls confessing to him over the years, and then have them moving on so easily. I tend to think that what those girls has we're just momentary infatuations, and that's what he thinks my feelings are too. I wish it were. I wish it were so that it would be easier to get over it. But it's happening far too slowly for my liking so far.

I thought I was at least to some degree getting over him already. But seeing him show any kind of affection to Cheng just seems to set it off again. I should constantly remind myself that that's what he wants, that someone to 'keep him grounded' in his words. But I can't seem to shake off the feeling that I could be so much better for him. Maybe this is just selfish thinking on my part. But it doesn't change the fact that I think Cheng is a princess. Omg.

Fungs, I just wish you could know how serious I am. I should give up, I know I shouldn't harbour any more hope; you've made that quite clear. But feelings don't seem to work the way you want just because you will it to. All that love talk, I finally kind of understand it, how it's not really up to you. I've fallen into all the cliches. I really thought I was on my way to making it out of this hole but typing all this out now, I realise that giving in to it is so much more real than pretending that I am getting over it. This was not what I wanted when I started this.

Fungs, I have to get over you. Loud sigh.

So, I don't want to stay in the London clique any more. As much as I appreciate, I wouldn't say love, having another group of friends to hang out with and show off my karaoke skills to, I just can't bear the thought of facing King or seeing fungs and Cheng. But I've said enough for the two of them. King, the slut. So fake, so attention seeking, hates me so clearly for being chummy with guys, but victimises herself. So I'm the bully here, because I am in that position that you want where I can talk to the guys freely? Fuck you. Spreading retarded stories about me, about how I'm an extrovert, giving people the impression that I somehow wield some sort of power over her, the sensitive introvert, like everything's so easy for me. Fuck you, everything is not. I've had a tough childhood, in certain aspects, but I'm strong enough to get through it. Doesn't mean it was easy. And I still believe that I am very much an introvert, no matter what people see me as. If only they could see how much I kept to myself, maybe then they'll realise how much of an introvert I am.

I wish it would be easier to get through this with the help of the friends that I've grown to trust in. But Serena is too far removed, Mat is too far away, and Jiaying is too busy dating. As much as I'm happy for her, I just feel taken for granted because it feels like she's just not there for me, because she now has someone else, romantically. I would never do that to my friends, I'd like to think. As much as she says she doesn't want to lose this friendship, the effort that she's putting in just doesn't say that.

Okay I've run out of sad and depressing things to write about. I'm still feeling sad and depressed. Not in a clinical sense, but you know what I mean.
19:39